Friday, November 24, 2006

Oratorical Fireworks

In celebration of my 100th post:

[Bridget blows into the unresponsive microphone, taps it tentatively]

One, two. Ladies and Gentlemen... L- ladies and gentlemen.

[then throws fingers into the air and shouts:]

Oi! Oi! Sorry. The uh mike's not wo- working.

[clears throat]

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the launch of Kafka's Motorbike, 'the greatest book of our time."

[applause; Bridget notices Salman glowering]

Obviously, except for your books, Mr. Rushdie, which are also very good.

[applause; Bridget notices Jeffery]

Aaand Lord Archer. Yours... aren't... bad.... either.
Anyway, what I mean is..uh. Welcome ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming to the launch of... one of the top *thirty* books of our time, anyway. At least.

And here to introduce it, heh, *properly* is the man we all call -

[Bridget's inner monologue offers its perspective]

*Titspervert*

Mr. -

*Titspervert*

Mr. -

[Daniel giggles]

*Titspervert*

[Bridget regains control]

Fitzherbert. Because that... is his name. Mr. Fitzherbert? Thank you!

[scattered applause; Mr. Fitzherbert takes the stage]

Fitzherbert: Thank you, Brenda. Just switch this on.

[turns on microphone, screechy feedback is heard throughout the entire hall]

14 comments:

Nick M. said...

Thanks for this. I'm nearly tempted to go purchase the film. How much can it be? I can't imagine more than ten bucks.

lauren said...

The most painful scene ever! And simultaneously the most comforting (I congratulate myself that I'm not THAT bad).
But I must also highlight my other fave bridget moments:

1. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

2. "yes why are there so many single women in their thirties these days?"

3. the fire pole

4."christ, is that blue soup?"

5." if working here means being within 10 feet of you frankly I rather have a job wiping saddam houssein's ass"

6. "you're haughty, you always say the wrong thing in every situation, and you wear stupid things that your mother buys you -- today is another classic -- and I seriously believe you should rethink the length of your sideburns, but I Iike you; you're a nice man. If you were to pop buy sometime, that might be nice"

ahhh bridge. so entertaining.

lauren

Jose said...

You just made me giggle the exact same way I do when watching this scene!
I ADORE Bridge, despite the scales under her clothes.

Ali said...

Nick - You mean you don't own it already? For shame.

Lauren - I love you for bringing these moments up. Here are my responses:

1. "Fuck 'em. Fuck the lot of 'em. Tell them they can stick fucking Leavis up their fucking asses."

2. Smarmy couple: "Hiiiiii Bridge."

3. "Have bottom the size of Brazil."

4. "Yes."

5. "R E S P E C T!"

6. "Ah. Right then."

Jose - Ah, I'm so glad. The film is so endlessly entertaining and rewatchable. I got the DVD out earlier this morning to transcribe this specific scene, and got sucked into watching a half hour.

adam k. said...

Aaaaaah, Bridget Jones. I so long for the days when this was what Renée was all about. What happened to her?

Anyway, so glad she got nominated for this. And while I think I'd only give the film a B, it is indeed quite entertaining and rewatchable. It's one of those that I always love to find playing on TBS or something and will usually just start watching, commercials and all.

OK, maybe it gets a B+.

Ali said...

Adam, I don't know. I remain a fan despite the Cold Mountain award desperation and the Kenny Chesney weirdness, and I think Miss Potter could be a nice return to form after the badness that was her in Cinderella Man. I hope. I pray.

I think she should have won for this performance. She's really quite adept at comedy.

B+? Psh.

DL said...

It's a terrific, terrific performance, but you think she shoulda won? Have you not seen Mulholland Drive? Or Moulin Rouge!? Or The Deep End?

Ali said...

Oh, I've seen them.

adam k. said...

Yeah, the win? I dunno. But I love the nomination.

And part of the reason I hate Zellweger now is that I loved her so much before. It just hurts to much to lose at her now, knowing who she once was and who she is now. Plus have you noticed how she used to be more able to open her eyes!? Her eyes are TOTALLY open in this photo. Now, it seems they never are. It's the drugs, I tell you...

adam k. said...

oops, I meant "hurts to look at her now. Whatever.

Kamikaze Camel said...

At the time I was all "wtf? she stole nominations from Naomi and Tilda" but I now love the fact that she got nommed for this (much more inspired than her Chicago work and, well, the less about Cold Mountain the better).

Just reading that scene made me laugh and made me wanna go back and watch it again. It's so fabo (as is the book, btw).

If Renee put on some pounds and went back to comedy (let us also remember Nurse Betty) more often then I think she's be back in the good graces.

Ellen S said...

One of my favorite parts in the movie, thanks for that, it made me giggle!


Elle

Nick M. said...

It has officially been purchased.

And rewatched.

Ali said...

Grade?