Dame Helen Mirren fuses to battle awards show nerves with alcohol - because she is afraid she'll embarrass herself. The British star, who picked up two Golden Globe Awards on Monday night for her performances in The Queen and Elizabeth I, admits she gets tipsy easily, and would never want to appear intoxicated onstage - even though a few glasses of wine would help calm her nerves. She explains, "It's a bit of a roller coaster ride... and you can't drink. I can't anyway. I'm too scared to drink and then make a t*t of myself. It's much too scary to do that. Some of the award shows you do there is alcohol on the table, there's wine and things. You have one afterwards and drown your sorrows usually. I've lost a lot of awards in my life. I'm brilliant at going, 'Oh, I'm so glad she won! She's fantastic! I'm a worm by comparison! I don't deserve it at all! I don't know why I'm here!'" Mirren also refuses to eat at glitzy awards shows, adding, "You're too nervous and excited and insecure; you don't want beans in your teeth."
No, she's totally got it wrong! That's the whole idea, Helen. A little loosening up would undoubtedly result in a stronger and more memorable acceptance speech next month (see "tits over ass" line while picking up the Emmy for Elizabeth I.) Someone get her a flask right this minute and refill accordingly throughout the ceremony. By the time her category is announced, I want her utterly shit-faced and practically crawling up that staircase.